Nest of Joy
 

Eulogy
Back in the winter of 98, I lost my soul mate. He comforted me through tears, fits, joys and triumphs. He patiently loved me and looked past my faults. He trained me, as I him, to settle down to a comfortable life together. He unconditionally loved me, though I felt there were times I did not return the favor. He accepted my traveling with him (and without him as he grew older). He would welcome me home by giving me a good tongue-lashing and then he would curl up in my lap. He tolerated the parties with lots of people and just assumed they were there to pet and entertain him. He handled the crazy props I photographed him with...and his greatest moment of acceptance was the dreaded addition of another cat to the household!

Rhiannon made us both laugh and embrace joy wholeheartedly. Sometimes Rastus would look at her in amazement and ponder putting her in a box and sending her to the moon. Other times he'd join in for a good romp and play. As she grew into Cathood from Kittendom, she embraced the role of nurturing caretaker for Rastus. Over a five-year period, I saw the heart space of Rastus open to the love of another cat when, at one time, I had thought our love was too enmeshed to encompass another. He would let her eat his food, groom him for time on end, and hog his favorite napping spots. He taught her how to lie in the sunspots and warm her belly. She taught him to remember that the world is a kitty playground. An outside noise would often send Rhiannon scurrying under the bed and Rastus up to the door with a growl. He was Rhiannon's hero and protector.

Before Felicia, the third cat was added to the household, she would often come over for visits with her human. Felicia enjoyed a good game of "corner Rhiannon under the bed and stare at her". Rhiannon would hiss and growl until Rastus would gallantly swat Felicia away. The first time this happened, my heart ripped open with joy and pride at Rastus protecting his "little sister". Then Felicia moved in with us. Kittendom is hard on adult cats, but Rastus accepted her too--mostly as a relief for him. Now Rhiannon had a more energetic playmate at a time when Rastus' energy was slowing due to his age. Rhiannon and Felicia romped and played and ran through the rooms with such speed that Rastus sat in wonderment and often did a double take. His face showed joy and contentment that his good friend, Rhiannon now had someone to play with and that he could settle into the peaceful existence he so desired.

At 14 1/2 years of age, Rastus began a physical decline that turned my whole world upside down. I had lost human friends to car accidents with drunk drivers, to AIDS and to suicide. But none of these pains could prepare me for the pain of losing my Rastus, my soul mate. I could sense the pain in Rhiannon's heart too and I could see it on her face. There were times when she was constantly with him like she was egging him on to heal himself. At other times she would stay away and sigh like hopelessness was drowning her soul. Felicia was mostly confused; Rastus had no energy; Rhiannon was depressed and the human was stressed. She was constantly going to one of us trying to get us to perk up. She became quite insecure and even began biting when she couldn't get us to be happy and playful.

We then moved into a house with two cats and a dog already living there. The top cat in that house would sometimes chase Rhiannon and Felicia into their bedroom. At this time Rastus was getting weaker due to the degenerative liver disease he had, yet he would maintain his protector role for his little sisters. He would pull himself out of his bed and saunter toward the door to stand between his little sisters and this other cat. This would scare off the other cat. Adapting to a new house was difficult for all the animals involved and I wondered if maybe Rastus kept going if only to protect Rhiannon and Felicia from the perceived threat of the other animals.

What brought reality home was the night that Rastus woke me trying to jump up on the bed. Rastus had always previously slept with me. But this night he could not make it up on the bed by himself. So this was my signal that the end of our physical existence together was nearing. Rastus needed me to let go and through a messenger, he was able to relay that to me. I needed to release him and let his spirit know that although I would miss him, I would be okay. In the time it took me to get through this process, I wanted him to know that I was sorry for getting mad at him for wanting to die. Since he could no longer jump up on the bed, I began sleeping on the floor next to his bed. Sometimes during the night he would leave his bed to come sleep next to me and snuggle like we had done for over 14 years.

Our spirits began communicating. He wanted to be buried in the backyard facing the mountains wrapped in his sheepskin-sleeping pad. He willed to Rhiannon all the love in his heart and his food bowl that said, "Good Kitty" on it (so she would always remember that she is a good kitty). He willed his walking leash and mommy's lap to Felicia. He wanted me to write those fantasy adventure stories that I had always wanted to write involving characters based on Rastus and me. He wanted me to know that we would be together again physically and he'd always be with me spiritually.

We spent the last 12 hours of his life together. We lay side by side on the floor wrapped in blankets staring into each other's eyes. I saw in these eyes the purest love and my heart ached to know that I was about to be without it. I held his head in my hand as his body convulsed at times. I prayed to God to spare him the suffering of having to wait for the vet's appointment time to put him to sleep. We slept on and off during this time whenever his body was still. Before leaving for the vet, I sat with him in the sun because he always loved the warmth of the sun on his body. I let Rastus say goodbye to his sisters and then drove him to the vet to let his suffering end. On the drive to the vet, I played a tape of celestial music so he’d know what to listen for on the other side. I held him one last time as the vet's assistant photographed us together. As he lay on the vet's table, I stroked his head and he looked at me longingly. He had a tear in his eye as the vet injected him. He lay there peacefully and the vet softly said, "He's gone". Then a tremendous peace overcame me, as I knew his spirit had been freed from the suffering of his physical body.
 
 

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